I was reflecting back on some of my experiences with family and friends over the past holidays, and how certain individuals within families or organizations get ostracized and scapegoated. It is frequently the case that the person being ostracized has some attribute or happiness that provokes envy and the need to control and dominate in people who are narcissists. Since narcissists can’t truly be happy, or truly experience joy for and with other people, they despise and are threatened by those who have genuine human emotions, thoughts and ideas. After spending time around many people on the political left in political campaigns and in college I noticed that frequently I shared a personal history with them in having close relatives who have narcissistic personality disorder (NPD).
The experience of having a family member with NPD was painful , and sometimes it still hurts, but when you realize that narcissists do not see you as an equal person and will never admit you, your ideas, or friends into a genuine human relationship there is nothing left to do but move on and construct your life to include people who will accept you for you. People who want you to be genuinely happy and want to genuinely share in that happiness with you; people who encourage your goals and creativity; and people who allow you to love and accept yourself for who you are. Now that the holidays are here I thought I would share some information on NPD, ways you can spot NPD, and how you can outsmart a narcissist that wants to hook you in. This information is based on what I and some others found useful in our struggles with an NPD relative; you should always consult a professional therapist or counselor for specific ways to counter or be free of narcissists in your specific situation.
Here is a little background on NPD from Wikipedia.
Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a personality disorder characterized by a long-term pattern of exaggerated feelings of self-importance, an excessive need for admiration, and a lack of empathy toward other people.[2][3] People with NPD often spend much time thinking about achieving power and success, or on their appearance.[3] Typically, they also take advantage of the people around them.[3] Such narcissistic behavior typically begins by early adulthood, and occurs across a broad range of situations.
Most of us who have experienced abuse from someone with this condition readily understand that to the narcissist the people around them are there to be used to make the narcissist feel good about themselves. They constantly mock or insult the clothes, hairstyles, body type, speech, race, gender of anyone they target because it puffs them up and gives them a boost. Individuals with NPD are obsessed with power and are attracted to positions of authority (police, prison guards, doctors, teachers, politicians) and are authoritarian and hierarchical in their worldview. They adhere to a very narrow black or white worldview, and will not tolerate other people contradicting them or offering alternative explanations. They hate being told “No, I have another opinion.”
They will belittle you and patronize you and they will make YOU the one with a narrow mind and black and white worldview. Most normal people will never win an argument with someone with NPD because the narcissist really doesn’t care about the ideas or arguments you present. Their whole game is making you look bad while making themselves look good, and they will likely never even admit or “see the light” and conclude that their treatment of you was wrong. They will never accept that they have a personality disorder and likely reject any suggestion that they might be mentally ill. From Wikipedia:
[2] Therapy is difficult, because people with narcissistic personality disorder usually do not consider themselves to have a mental health problem.[2] About one percent of people are believed to be affected with NPD at some point in their lives.[4] It occurs more often in men than women, and typically affects younger as opposed to older people.[2][3] The narcissistic personality was first described by the psychoanalyst Robert Waelder, in 1925; and the term narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) was coined by Heinz Kohut, in 1968.[5][6]
The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition lists nine criteria for NPD, and typically a person with NPD demonstrates at least five of the following:
- Grandiosity with expectations of superior treatment from other people
- Continually demeaning, bullying and belittling others
- Exploiting others to achieve personal gain
- Lack of empathy for the negative impact they have on the feelings, wishes, and needs of other people
- Fixation on fantasies of power, success, intelligence, attractiveness, etc.
- Self-perception of being unique, superior, and associated with high-status people and institutions
- Need for continual admiration from others
- Sense of entitlement to special treatment and to obedience from others
- Intense envy of others, and the belief that others are equally envious of them
If an individual with NPD does not receive the praise and admiration they feel is their due they frequently react with rage and insults; they dislike it when others speak about themselves and will frequently “take them down a peg,” if another person is sharing something they are proud of or that made them happy. You may be unaware of it, but they are constantly playing a game of one-upmanship and competition by always trying to put you down or demonstrate their own perceived superiority. They can’t stand it when anyone is truly happy. One of the ways to determine if someone might have NPD is to tell them “no,” when they request that you do something and then see how they respond. Most adults get used to being told “no,” and they learn to cope with it, but a narcissist will flare-up and react with anger.
People with NPD exaggerate their skills and accomplishments, and their degree of intimacy with people they consider high-status. Such a sense of personal superiority may cause them to monopolize conversations,[10] or to become impatient and disdainful when other persons talk about themselves.[7] When wounded in the ego, either by a real or a perceived criticism, the narcissist's displays of anger can be disproportionate to the nature of the criticism suffered;[10] but typically, the actions and responses of the NPD person are deliberate and calculated.[7] Despite occasional flare-ups of personal insecurity, the inflated self-concept of the NPD person is primarily stable.
I recently watched Eight Ways to Outsmart the Controlling Narcissist by psychotherapist Dr. Les Carter and in that video he provides some insight into the goals of the narcissist and what you should and shouldn’t do when dealing with one. Most therapists and people who have successfully freed themselves from the grip of a narcissist in their life agree that it is best not to confront the narcissist or call them out for being a narcissist. The reason for this is that the narcissist wants to pull you in and wants you to argue, but they are not playing the same game as you, they will undermine and sabotage you socially to your friends and family. They will try to make you the “other,” and will enlist others in your family against you by spreading slanderous gossip and rumors. By doing so they attempt to make themselves appear virtuous and they will often juxtapose their highly virtuous deeds with your supposedly malicious behavior. They will find fault with your friends and tell your relatives that you are hanging out with a bad crowd of miscreants. Sadly, the narcissist is often successful in enlisting allies in their cause…
Here is Dr. Carter’s 8 Ways To Outsmart The Controlling Narcissist, below is a bullet list that summarizes his main points from the video:
- Narcissists construct “you are with me, or you are against me,” frameworks of control. They will other their target while enlisting family members in their cause and constantly remind you of how “other” you are. As far as the narcissist is concerned everyone must think the same way, have the same priorities, and only have friends approved by the narcissist. You can counter this by saying like “you can think in/out for me, but I don’t think in those terms, I don’t think of myself as either in or out; I don’t play the in vs. out game.”
- Narcissists will then try to demonize you for speaking against the agenda. They will turn your disagreement into a pathology by calling you a “black sheep,” or “rebel,” or “crazy.” They will constantly remind you that you’re less than them and that they are superior. You can counter this by saying that they are welcome to their opinion, “but I don’t look to you to define who I am.” They will likely keep demonizing you and then you can repeat that You get to have your own opinion about who you are and what you can do.
- Rally their flying monkeys to scorn you. Narcissists are sometimes able to get others to press their agenda against you if you do not conform to their desires by trashing your reputation to other family members. Respond by refusing to be another of the narcissists flying monkeys and embrace being the “other”.
- Narcissists will try to damper anything that you are excited about or that bring you joy. They will frequently say that what you are interested in is weird or stupid and they will try to keep you to their approved activities. You can respond to this by saying that “I can choose my own way.” Or say “I’m going to enjoy life doing things I like with people who appreciate me.”
- The narcissist will mock, insult and ridicule you and your ideas, or anyone who agrees with you. Tell them that you will live your truth and that you are not into mocking and ridiculing.
The narcissist’s goal is to get you to collapse, capitulate and be afraid; they want you to live with chronic doubt and shame; they want you to repeat your mistakes over and over; they want you to challenge your own legitimacy and put their legitimacy on to you. Remind them (and yourself) that you have separate thoughts and ideas and that you can determine what makes you happy and who you are. Ultimately you may have to separate yourself from the situation and make no contact with the narcissist, as painful as that might be.
I thought it might be helpful to talk about why holidays can be stressful and that if you are experiencing abusive behavior by a narcissist in your family there is hope and help available. It’s never too late to break free and try to live a happy life because life is too short to be miserable or be miserable for the sake of someone who doesn’t even acknowledge your humanity. It seems that since Donald Trump’s ascension to the White House with his own narcissism he has lit a fire for authoritarians across the country to behave like delusional narcissists and behave abusively toward their own families. I really hope this nightmare of Trump will end next November, and I’m thankful for all the brave people who stand up for what they believe even in the face of bullying to pursue happiness and try to make life better for the less fortunate among us.