So today, Giuliani Giunior (aka Andrew) announced he’s running for governor of New York. He’s apparently hoping to trade on the Giuliani name, which, unfortunately, isn’t what it used to be since the dildo shop.
So I was hoping to see rivulets of black tar coursing down the sides of Andrew’s face, as if to prove that this is how all Giulianis spawn in the spring, but it didn’t happen. I mean, how can you possibly top that one? You can’t, but Andrew tried his hardest when photo-takin’ time arrived during his presser.
Both tweets are quite ridiculous, but our focus is on the second one.
For the nontweeters:
GIULIANI: “Okay, let me know whenever you’re ready. Which one is that, is that Miss Manhattan or is that Lady Lib …? That’s Lady Liberty over there, so. Everybody ready?”
Uh, dude’s running for governor of—let me double-check, because Jesus Knickerbocker Christ, this is ridiculous—New York. He seriously doesn’t recognize the Statue of Liberty?
Of course, Chris Farley’s epic portrayal of young Andrew was the best—and really only acceptable—reply to Giuliani’s gaffe.
This shouldn’t be such a surprise, of course. Young Ghooley clearly has his father’s gift for gormlessness.
For example, there was the time Giunior Ghouls got kicked off the Duke University golf team for bad behavior and then later sued the school for … disappointing him? This was in 2008, when Giuliani was just a callow 22-year-old, instead of the very mature middle-aged Muppet he is now.
The New York Times:
In the suit, Andrew Giuliani is asking for damages and for the right to use Duke’s golf center for the rest of his life, as he said he was promised when he was recruited to play for the school.
Never in my life have I seen a nonfictional character come so close to Veruca Salt's screechy demand for an Oompa Loompa, but “asking for … the right to use Duke’s golf center for the rest of his life” is in the ballpark.
In the lawsuit, he acknowledged that he may have misbehaved in February when he tossed an apple in a teammate’s face, flipped his putter a few feet, threw and broke a club and gunned his engine in a parking lot.
I don’t know about you, but to my mind, that kind of behavior just screams “let me use your golf center forever … and ever … and ever.” In case you were wondering, a federal judge tossed the suit 20 months later.
Sadly, Andrew may have missed his window of opportunity by about 15 years. It will be tough for his father to campaign for him from prison, after all. And even if he is roaming free, the last thing you want at your press conference is Rudy. As we all know, he tends to spring unwanted surprises.
By the way, Miss Manhattan is a real statue, but it looks nothing like the Statue of Liberty. Andrew might as well have asked whether he was standing in front of the Statue of Liberty or a Big Boy.
Your new governor, New Yorkers! Everyone give him a hand. And maybe a map while you’re at it.
It made comedian Sarah Silverman say “THIS IS FUCKING BRILLIANT” and prompted author Stephen King to shout “Pulitzer Prize!!!” (on Twitter, that is). What is it? The viral letter that launched four hilarious Trump-trolling books. Get them all, including the finale, Goodbye, Asshat: 101 Farewell Letters to Donald Trump, at this link. Just $12.96 for the pack of 4! Or if you prefer a test drive, you can download the epilogue to Goodbye, Asshat for the low, low price of FREE.